Seaward
by truthandfireworks
Summary: This is the story of a group of teenagers who lost everything, and the one sponge who had no choice but to keep them all together. It’s Arrested Development. Crack fic challenge for skins underscore bamfs.


_This is the story of a group of teenagers_ _who lost everything, and the one sponge who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development._

Effy Stonem looked down her nose and out into the small boat beside their yacht, sipping on her cocktail with a small pink pill floating in the alcohol for decoration. "Look at what the homosexuals have done to me, Freddie."

Fred drew in a deep breath, resisting the urge to roll his eyes as he looked to where Effy gazed. A boat filled with homosexual protestors had decided to rain on their parade. Oh God, Fred thought, watching Effy down her drink in a few gulps, this is going to end horribly. "**Oh wow**," he mustered his most faux-interested tone.

Katie walked over, tossing her hair behind her shoulder. "Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant," she pointed to what appeared to be her twin sister and her girlfriend holding up a sign that said _HOME, HOME ON THE MANGE_. "It makes me want to set myself on fire."

Cook had decided to throw himself a lavish party on the yacht. Why? No one was quite sure why, but Freddie had a sneaking suspicion. Cook, in true cook fashion, had thrown himself a party to celebrate his great escape from prison. Of course, Freddie had tried earlier that day to tell him that lying low would be the better option.

--

"Cook," Freddie spoke pointedly. "You can't throw yourself a party while the police are looking for you."

And Cook, in true Cook fashion, responded as logically and reasonably as he could.

"An' why not, mate? Le's have a fookin' good time, awriigh?"

--

"Hello, Effy," a blonde girl in a pristine beige dress came running over, waving stiffly.

"Oh, Panda, dear," Effy shoved her glass into Freddie's hands as she fussed over the wayward strands of Pandora's hair. "Panda, Panda, what have we discussed about shouting on the yacht?"

"I know, Effy, but," her grin grew what Freddie hoped Pandora thought was sly. "I saw two girls **man and woman kissing**-"

"Pandora, really," Effy became all flustered, beckoning Freddie to give back her drink. "Such a foul thing to bring up on such a happy occasion."

Katie was still staring out at the boat filled with gay protesters, protesting their right to also celebrate joyous occasions on yachts. "Those look like my **jean shorts** on that gay man."

In actuality, they were Katie's shorts on her husband, Thomas. Thomas, who had earned his degrees in both Analysis and Psychological Therapy, had decided that morning that his life was meaningless in the shower.

--

Thomas put his hands up against the cold tiles. Beads of water trickling down his face as he sobbed. "MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS!"

While Katie sat in the next room, sorting out clothes to give away as part of one of her thinly veiled charitable moments. "These jean shorts are hideous, don't you think, Thomas?"

"OH GOD-"

--

"If it makes you feel any better," Effy smirked, "they look better on him."

Frustrated with Effy's self-righteous attitude, Katie stormed off through the yacht, breaking apart a rather rebellious kiss between James and Paddy.

"Maybe we should kiss again to make sure they got the point," James smiled.

"Why would we do that?" Paddy laughed.

Freddie looked from Effy clutching Pandora to her side to Naomi and Emily. Shaking his head, he set off in search of Cook. Pushing through the people on the yacht, he happened to accidentally run into JJ.

"What is that?" Freddie pointed to a giant box JJ seemed to be carting around the boat.

"It's the Mayan Pyramid, Fred," he grinned widely.

Freddie nodded. "Right, so is that part of your trick?"

"Illusions, Freddie," JJ laughed heartily. "A trick is something a whore does for money."

Paddy and James stood at Freddie's and JJ's feet, mouths gaping.

"Or candy!" the curly haired magician backtracked.

"Boys!" a rather loud (and rather drunk) James Cook walked over, wearing a rather spiffing cowboy hat. "Whatcha got there, Jay? One of your little tricks, then?"

"Illusions, Cook," JJ stressed. "_Illusions_."

"Listen, Freds," Cook dismissed JJ without even a second glance. "I thought I should warn you before-"

Just at that very moment, revving up between the yacht and the boat full of gay activists, stopped a police boat.

"James Cook, we know you're aboard," a police man yelled through the megaphone. "Put your hands up where we can see them and- Oh for God's sake."

James Cook had, indeed, put his hands up. He had put them above his head like he had learned in his one very memorable diving lesson with Freddie.

--

"Put your hands up!" Freddie scolded him, in his tiny pre-pubescent voice.

"Whut," Cook put his hands on his rather sassy-for-a-ten-year-old hips. "I just put my fookin' hands'up and fall in then?"

"Yes," Freddie shouted. "I told you that."

Pandora swam by, her lifejacket looking as though it was choking her. "And make sure that you don't make a big splash."

"Now I'ave to worry about fookin' splashes too?" Cook looked angrily to Freddie. "Why didn't you tell me, you sod?"

"**Well, now I've told you, okay?" **Freddieshrieked, his eyes clamped shut so as not to cry.** "Now you know!"**

--

Cook must have taken into account every detail of that diving lesson.

"Not even a splash," the police man muttered. "Don't worry, we'll find him. He can't hold his breath for forever."

Pandora, who was still in the talon-like clutches of Effy, was beaming with excitement. "Cook didn't even splash!"

Cook came up for air quickly, because instead of taking Freddie's advice all those years ago and puffing out his cheeks to hold in more breath, Cook decided it was best not to look like a wanker when diving off a yacht.

--

Later that day, the group all stood in the detention hall. Effy, clinging to Pandora, pushed her way closest to Freddie. "Well, what's happening?"

Fred smiled, rather spitefully. "It looks like Bristol's Most Wanted is going to be behind bars for a very long time."

A silence fell over the usually rowdy crowd of teenagers.

"And I have been left in charge while Cook is in jail," Freddie spoke matter-of-factly.

JJ scoffed loudly. "Freddie, please. A fun sponge like you? Cook would never leave you in charge. Now, someone like me? I can see Cook doing that."

"Actually, no," Fred nodded. "He chose me to be in charge. He actually didn't say anything about you. Although, he didn't say much of anything, really."

--

Freddie had volunteered against his will to go help Cook settle in by Effy, in an attempt to let the boys have a final goodbye before having 'regularly scheduled visits'.

Cook pulled Freddie close. "There's one thing I need you to remember, Freds. One thing and one thing ever."

"You'll always be my best mate too," Fred hugged Cook tightly.

Cook lowered his voice and spoke into his ear. "There's always money in the **Donut** Stand."

--

The Donut Stand had been a landmark in Bristol for years. It, in fact, became so popular that the band 'Splosion Man wrote a song called "The Donut Song" in honor of it.

_Everybody loves donuts  
I know I do-oo-hoo  
Everybody loves donuts oh  
Let's eat just one or two-oo_

Everybody loves donuts  
I know I do-oo-hoo-hoo  
Everybody loves donuts oh  
You and I should share a few-oo-oo

--

"Donuts?" Effy put her hands on her hips. "He brought up the donuts and not me?"

"I could have heard him wrong, but I don't think **cock cruncher** sounds anything like donuts, Eff."

"A fine way to speak to me," Effy's eyebrows were in a 'V' atop her forehead. "You keep speaking to me like that Freddie. One day, I will die and you will slowly start to whither away with guilt." She ran her hand over Pandora's shoulder. "At least I'll always have my Pandabear."

--

Meanwhile, Katie and Thomas were in an argument of their own.

"I am a new man, Katie! I am like a mighty phoenix, rising from the ashes! I have been reborn!" Thomas shouted at his wife. "I am a **renaissance man**!"

"What the shit are you on about, Thomas?"

"Katie," Thomas laughed his usual passive-aggressive laugh. "I don't interrupt you when you're **soliloquizing**, I think I deserve the same amount of respect from you."

"Thomas, you are wearing my jean shorts, you're covered in cake-"

"I believe they called it '**gateau**'-"

"Whatever," she raised her voice. "You're in jean shorts, covered in cake and were on a boat full of gays."

"Katie," he laughed again, as though he were speaking to an infant who could not understand the tremendous changes he was going through. "Look at yourself. So fresh and full of **young blood**. I'm growing older, you know. I remember when things were 'safe' and '**whizzer**' and now I just feel as though the new man inside of me aches for something bigger."

--

As hard as Pandora tried, her tears would not stop. "I just want Cook to be safe, Effy."

"Stop that crying," Effy scolded her. "Your eyes are going to get all puffy before The **Baby Love** Competition and I am not losing to Maxxie and Tony's adopted daughter again."

It was true, Effy had been upstaged by her somewhat faux homosexual brother and his rather homosexual somewhat boyfriend and their adorable, yet possibly stolen baby daughter. The Baby Love Competition was set out for parents and their young daughters to compete in a day of fun and pageantry.

Pandora and Effy celebrated Pandora's 19th birthday at the last Baby Love Competition, which had been held in a lavish hall, next door to the prestigious Motherboy Pageant.

--

JJ waved his deck of cards in front of Paddy's face. "Was your card the three of clubs?"

"No," the boy replied flatly.

"O-Of course not," JJ didn't let the minor setback stop him. "Because it was the ace of diamonds!"

"No," he sighed. "It's the eight of clubs."

"Puck me," JJ sighed, looking through the deck dejectedly for Paddy's card.

"Puck you?" James piped up. "What'cha mean, puck you?"

JJ's body, except his shifty eyes, froze in momentary shock. "It's a secret way of swearing," he explained to them. "Can't get in trouble for it, because you're not actually swearing. Just add a 'P' before the swear. Here," he stood up confidentially, grinning down at his new students. "Try it out on the Ol' Jay."

"N-No, thank you," James backed away quickly.

"You're a pucking posser," Paddy grinned.

JJ beamed with pride. "Good!"

Paddy turned to Katie. "And you're a pucking plut!"

JJ's smiled began to fade.

"And you," he pointed to Effy. "You're a-"

"That's enough for now, lads. Let's go see Big J's segwey," JJ covered the child's mouth with his hand and escorted him out of the room.

--

"What are we going to do now?" Katie asked Freddie.

Freddie didn't know what to say. On the one hand, he wanted nothing more than to reassure them that everything would be fine. On the other hand, he secretly wanted to unleash the years of pent up anger during every 'tosser' and 'fun sponge' and abandon them all without a hint of warning. And then he saw Effy and Pandora. He saw James and Paddy. He saw Katie and what he believed was Thomas. He saw JJ. And he saw a hole. A hole that only Cook could stitch back together.

"We'll figure it out."


End file.
